Okay, honestly, I think this will be the last DTV post for a while. One man can only take so much shit. I'm only human, I have feelings too. These two movies pushed my limit. I'm going to be in DTV-detox for the next month or so.
Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
I thought that with a title like this, it couldn't fail. I thought that with a poster like they had, it couldn't fail. Then I realized something... I failed. I failed in thinking that this movie had any hope.
I was expecting some fun horror, mixed with comedy in sort of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer kind of fashion with a bumbling hero and smart quips. I mean, with a title like Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, was I wrong in expecting a variety of monsters get slayed as the title suggests?
It didn't help much that the monsters looked uber cheesy. They looked like something right out of a Power Rangers episode. But to their credit, at least they stuck with practical make-up and effects rather than CG.
The movie itself follows the titular character through the downward spiral that is his life. Basically, everything just sucks in his life. One day he accidentally releases a curse which changes his night school teacher into some sort of monster. Hysteria ensues.
The only good thing in the movie was Robert Englund. How they managed to recruit him is a mystery to me. The man is selling himself short if you ask me. Englund is a talented man, it's too bad that he's pigeon-holed himself into horror schlock-fests. It's a damn waste.
In the end, this movie was forgettable. So much that I had to IMDB the plotline just to remember what the fuckin' point of the movie was.
Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust
Gingerdead Man. A movie so bad that it prompted a sequel. Okay, I will say this much; the sequel is slightly more entertaining than its predecessor, but that's just like saying how cow shit smells slightly better than dog shit... in the end, they're both shit.
As the title suggests, the movie is about a killer gingerbread man. Somehow he ends up at a B-movie studio, where the whole movie takes place, and it is here that he wreaks all his gingerly havocs. Basically, he's trying to come back into human form via a magic spell that requires the blood of 5 virgins or some such nonsense.
Throughout the movie I was wondering why it was titled Passion of the Crust? I mean, nothing in the first 70 minutes of it alluded to The Passion of the Christ, so was it just something witty that an ad wizard came up with and had it tacked on? My question would be answered in the last scene in the movie.
It's something so wild and absurd, I wish somehow I were making this up. So in the last scene, a bunch of puppets come to life through a mystical incantation that was fucked up by the Gingerdead Man. The puppets gather together, take the Gingerdead Man, and crucify him on a cross. They then place a crown of thorns on its head and burn him. I shit you not. I don't know why they try to associate this with Christ, it doesn't make sense. Are the puppets Jewish? Blasphemy~!!
I was thinking to myself, wow, this scene makes zero sense. But then I corrected myself: I'm watching a movie about a killer gingerbread man... it's not supposed to make sense. Not that it makes things any better, mind you.
At least the first movie had the maniacal Gary Busey in it; this movie was full of bad actors complete with bad acting. Although their acting is shitty, I can't dog on them for all of it. A lot of the blame must go towards the script. It's horrendous. It tries to be funny, but it's just not. For example, here is some dialogue. It's a scene where a "boy" from a make-a-wish foundation meets a famed B-movie producer:
That reminds me of something. Tommy. All the actors are bad, but he is the worst. Now, I think he was supposed to be something between a young boy and a teenager. I mean he's participating in a make-a-wish foundation, so I assume he's supposed to be a child. He's clearly a 20-something year old man, overacting to sound like a sugar-coated pixie-stix addicted tween. He is so bad and awful. They obviously miscasted this poor guy.
I could go on and on, but all I need to say is that this movie is shit.
Conclusion
Stay away from these two movies. Together they are two and half hours that I will never get back. Later geeks.
Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
I thought that with a title like this, it couldn't fail. I thought that with a poster like they had, it couldn't fail. Then I realized something... I failed. I failed in thinking that this movie had any hope.I was expecting some fun horror, mixed with comedy in sort of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer kind of fashion with a bumbling hero and smart quips. I mean, with a title like Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, was I wrong in expecting a variety of monsters get slayed as the title suggests?
It didn't help much that the monsters looked uber cheesy. They looked like something right out of a Power Rangers episode. But to their credit, at least they stuck with practical make-up and effects rather than CG.
The movie itself follows the titular character through the downward spiral that is his life. Basically, everything just sucks in his life. One day he accidentally releases a curse which changes his night school teacher into some sort of monster. Hysteria ensues.
The only good thing in the movie was Robert Englund. How they managed to recruit him is a mystery to me. The man is selling himself short if you ask me. Englund is a talented man, it's too bad that he's pigeon-holed himself into horror schlock-fests. It's a damn waste.
In the end, this movie was forgettable. So much that I had to IMDB the plotline just to remember what the fuckin' point of the movie was.
Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust
Gingerdead Man. A movie so bad that it prompted a sequel. Okay, I will say this much; the sequel is slightly more entertaining than its predecessor, but that's just like saying how cow shit smells slightly better than dog shit... in the end, they're both shit.As the title suggests, the movie is about a killer gingerbread man. Somehow he ends up at a B-movie studio, where the whole movie takes place, and it is here that he wreaks all his gingerly havocs. Basically, he's trying to come back into human form via a magic spell that requires the blood of 5 virgins or some such nonsense.
Throughout the movie I was wondering why it was titled Passion of the Crust? I mean, nothing in the first 70 minutes of it alluded to The Passion of the Christ, so was it just something witty that an ad wizard came up with and had it tacked on? My question would be answered in the last scene in the movie.
It's something so wild and absurd, I wish somehow I were making this up. So in the last scene, a bunch of puppets come to life through a mystical incantation that was fucked up by the Gingerdead Man. The puppets gather together, take the Gingerdead Man, and crucify him on a cross. They then place a crown of thorns on its head and burn him. I shit you not. I don't know why they try to associate this with Christ, it doesn't make sense. Are the puppets Jewish? Blasphemy~!!
I was thinking to myself, wow, this scene makes zero sense. But then I corrected myself: I'm watching a movie about a killer gingerbread man... it's not supposed to make sense. Not that it makes things any better, mind you.
At least the first movie had the maniacal Gary Busey in it; this movie was full of bad actors complete with bad acting. Although their acting is shitty, I can't dog on them for all of it. A lot of the blame must go towards the script. It's horrendous. It tries to be funny, but it's just not. For example, here is some dialogue. It's a scene where a "boy" from a make-a-wish foundation meets a famed B-movie producer:
Tommy: "You're Kelvin Chetum, son of Rupert Chetum the low-budget movie master, creator of such genre hit classics as Beach Blanket Bludgeonry, and Maniac Dry Cleaner, and Escape From Sloth Island!"Haha! That was supposed to be funny!
Kelvin: "That one was a little slow in parts."
That reminds me of something. Tommy. All the actors are bad, but he is the worst. Now, I think he was supposed to be something between a young boy and a teenager. I mean he's participating in a make-a-wish foundation, so I assume he's supposed to be a child. He's clearly a 20-something year old man, overacting to sound like a sugar-coated pixie-stix addicted tween. He is so bad and awful. They obviously miscasted this poor guy.
I could go on and on, but all I need to say is that this movie is shit.
Conclusion
Stay away from these two movies. Together they are two and half hours that I will never get back. Later geeks.
Comments
Although I should admit that DTV movies are one of my guilty pleasures. No matter how bad they are (and I've seen a ton of bad stuff), I'm always lured back. It's sort of fun, because of the hunt... you never know when you'll find a gem.
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The title was hilarious, but there ended the hilarity of it all. I too, wonder how I can sit through these.
@anselm ong:
Thanks buddy!
@Slapinions:
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for stopping by!